As a daughter of a prostate cancer patient, there are alot of ups and downs. My father was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer in 2019. I wasn't devastated at the time, oddly I was indifferent, to look at the person I was then to now feels like I had been in denial.
My relationship with my father changed when he was diagnosed. It also changed my perspective in life. I have no siblings and my father has been my pillar of strength. He was always there for me in his own way.
Fast forward to 2022, and the cancer has taken over, he is admitted in the hospital for the past 2 months. He has no idea his days are numbered and we have told the hospital staff and anyone who visits to not tell him. It is tough for lack of a better word.
I may never understand the pain he is in, but my mother tries to be there no matter what. Time for us seems like a loop, Monday to Friday mom's at the hospital and the weekends I stay. Months have passed, seasons are changing, yet for us it's a loop.
These past few years have taught me alot and I hope to help others in this situation. Here are some pointers that help me cope with the situation.
- People move on: No matter how close you may be to someone , a cancer caregiver may seem stuck in one time loop. You can't expect others to be stuck with you. I have lost friends who in the beginning were supportive, but somehow just moved on. I have let them go, I have something much bigger going on.
- Don't feel guilty: there are times when I might be laughing and I immediately feel guilty. Why am I laughing when my father is in so much pain? I remind myself that my father would have always wanted me to be happy. This is not my fault and I am doing my best.
- It's ok to cry, but not in front of everyone: Remember the world is not sympathetic to your pain, if you have close friends it's ok to cry in front of them. There are times when I break down, but I let it flow when I know it's ok to be vulnerable. I make sure I'm strong in front of my father so he can have the strength that he needs. At these times being in support groups helps.
- You still have control: There are times when I feel I have no control, when my father's in excruciating pain I feel anger and frustration. I have to pause for a moment and think of steps I can take. Every little inconvenience at this time may feel like a defeat, but remember that little inconvenience compared to the battle that you're in seems so small.
- Remember how strong you are: I remind myself every time I step in the hospital, "look at you with your brave face" . What you are fighting is not easy, yet you have taken it in your stride. From dealing with medical staff to talking to your father like it's a normal day takes a lot from you, yet here you are persistently doing it.
- Take care of yourself: Don't forget that you are important too, balanced meals and proper sleep are important. Don't feel guilty if you need to take a day off and just sleep. You are human too. Make sure you have someone that can cover for you for a few hours while you recuperate. I call these "shifts" my mother has the weekdays shift while I have the weekends, that way we both get a little down time.
I don't know how long this loop will continue or what the future holds for me, but what I do know is that I'm here at this moment. I take each day as it is and not think about planning or the future. That seems like a luxury now. I hope whoever reads this knows that you are not alone in this war and to never loss hope.
