I need to vent
Jen Hicka
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33 months ago at 3:25 PMAugust 29, 2022 at 3:25 PM
I'm having a hard time. Although I'm currently in remission, and I'm super grateful , I take nothing for granted . I still have the concern this all could come back. As well as side effects that have completely changed my life. I just cannot be honest anywhere about how I feel. I feel like I'm always acting like I'm strong but in reality sometimes I go drive by myself and cry . Then look around at the park or by the river just trying to be thankful I'm allowed to see those things. Before my own struggle. I had to watch my dad struggle a long battle and he lost his battle. I remember him taking off sometimes and just going to fish, or sit at the park and look at things. I had cancer and was taking care of him at the same time, I just didn't know I had cancer yet. How long after being shown NED did you all stop having thoughts of what if? I'm trying to make sure to be there for family no matter what just encase. Trying to make sure I live every day and make it mean something. Did anyone else go through a period like that? I've been NED for a year. But I still have quite a bit of radiation damage. It's so hard to bring myself to talk about how I really feel around family, friends cause they are all going through the aftermaths of a national emergency with covid and everything. I don't want to worry my mom. But its super hard trying to be strong or pretend to be strong all the time. Sometimes I want to break down.. I do have a counselor but even with him sometimes he's like lets work on this, or lets work on that. He's like you're a worrier, you're a champ etc. So I feel as though I always have to look like I'm always positive around him. My Oncologist as well. What are some things outside of writing in a journal that helped you keep your thoughts in perspective? I do meditate, pray, game sometimes to get lost in a story line . Video local wildlife and document data on animals as a hobby keep trying to work even though the last 2 jobs haven't worked out.
12 comments
Last activity by Sandipa Mukherjee,
Dear Jen, You're a very brave and kind. And it's alright to have those thoughts, as that's natural only, and you don't have to be always strong, just be yourself, enjoy the life and be you. if you feel strong that's good, if you feel scared that's okay too. But always listen to your heart and do whatever makes you happy and also try to share your thoughts with your closed ones. Also I'd suggest if you don't have a doggo, maybe you can consider to have one, as they're wonderful companions and a support system. Sending you the best wishes dear.
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It's okay to not feel okay and that's what makes me upset with society. Society has set all these social norms like these which make people hide their emotions and feelings and fake like they are okay when they are actually struggling. You got this Jen, don't feel like there is any pressure on you to put on some act.
0 RepliesHelen - when you think about it, at the core I don't think people mean to say things that hurt us. They just don't know what to say. Before I got cancer I was definitely guilty of saying some of the same things, but I have learned quickly. Hang in there, sending you love and healing! xx
0 RepliesHelen, my heart goes out to you. You are obviously a very kind, sensitive person with so much heart inside of you. I am so sorry about your journey and your mom's journey. Cancer affects way too many of us and so soon! Looking forward to seeing more of you on here! :)
0 RepliesThank you Melanie. I am so sorry about you losing your Mom and Dad. Your words are very kind!
0 RepliesThank you so much for sharing your story Helen! Cancer has taken me to my weakest place and made me think I couldn't go any more but somehow I've been managing to keep it together. It's nice to know other people are going through the same thing. I'm so sorry about your mom, I know how hard that must be - I lost my mom as a young woman and have never been the same since. We will get through this, and at least we have each other who can understand and cheer each other on. Sending you strength and love! ❤️
0 RepliesDear Jen,That all sounds so hard and first of all, I too think you are very Strong! Although it doesn't always help to hear that because sometimes when people keep telling me how strong I am all I can think is, Why do I always have to be the strong person?" My Mom had been the strong one in my eyes, my Hero-I looked up to her so much and she got Breast Cancer at age 45 or maybe earlier. She had the lump and was sick and noone believed her for a long time. I still haven't come to terms with the monumental hurdles so many people put her thru just to get decent healthcare. A PhD educated, always giving back minority woman- fully Insured! So my Mom passed away. I usually scream out "she DIED!" Because I am still upset about it and always will be. Now I have Cancer too. I went thru so many Dr.s telling me-"there's nothing wrong with you"-while it was pretty serious Colorectal Cancer. I applaud you Tonya for doing Chemo-for helping your Dad. My Heart goes out to you! I can say I burst into tears A Lot! And where I am living sadly nobody seems to care at all. It hurts SO bad! What WORKS for me?My ESA Dog he is my Light, Happiness & Hope! Somedays I am just living for him. He makes me want to keep going. I love caring for him.A good long hard Work-Out. Sweating-Pushing my body and making my Heart and Lungs Fight to Live!!! It sounds crazy but Working Out is my House of Z E N.M U S I C is a Universe I can dive into and hide myself so far away. It is an escape for me that never stops healing my soul. Good Movies with beautiful stories and locations. Great Books! Warm soft blankets. Soft clothing. Comfort Music of Nina Simone, Chet Baker, Bruce Springsteen!!! ALL different kinds of music! Dustin Tebutt telling me he will take me H O M E. Leon Bridges singing with that impeccable smoothness all his own. Serious alone time with my Music. I escape into the made up Fantasies of another better life. One I can only Dream about: waking up early to go feed some horses in a barn. Getting ready for a Game of Tennis. Swimming in a warm water pool. Endless walks on Beaches. L O V E. I guess, Cancer may be hurting me but it can't steal my D R E A M S !Anyway, I am reaching out to you to say I hope you feel some Warmth - a ray of Sunshine and Sending you some Love 💖 Brave Onward Girl! I know it is SO Damn Hard! I admire you for all you've already done. I am too chicken at times to move forward w/my treatment.I am here and will always write you back ~ Brightest Blessings, Helen
0 RepliesJournaling has been something that has helped me more than I thought I would. I have found a couple of good articles here on prompts you can use. Sending love and light!
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Praying for you. Sounds like you may want to dig deeper with counselor. There are so many layers to this viscous disease. God bless you
0 RepliesI feel that even though we are NED, no matter how long it’s been, somewhere in a corner of our mind is always going to be a small ‘what if’. I’ve been NED and in remission for 2 years from throat cancer, chemo, radiation, feeding tube for 10 months, unable to swallow my own spit. Side effects remain and remind me of what I went through. I think it’s all normal, but I think part of the answer is to not dwell in it, to daily hand it over to God and just take one day at a time and also to know that it’s ok to not be ok once in awhile. Doesn’t mean I’m not grateful, it’s just part of who I am now.
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I should feel lucky. Diagnosed with rectal cancer in June 2021. 6 weeks of radio/chemotherapy followed by 6 months of CAPOX, ending with a NED. Everyone around me is “party’s over,” but I’m just not feeling it! Is it that I’m still not feeling like myself, suffering from the side effects of treatment? I took advantage of the therapists at the hospital during treatment and hopefully just found a full time therapist. Exercise helps, but my present physical limitations aren’t letting me do what I want! Long story short…..I feel your pain. Cancer is a mindfuck!
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Thank God for every day that your alive, whether your NED, in treatments with cancer trying for NED or just trying to remain stable with cancer. Mortality is something we all have to deal with cancer or not. I always remind myself that their are many people out there worse off that I am. Some don't have any hope, some don't know who their friends or family are, others know they only have weeks or months. Geeezz everyone over 70, thats a lot of people, all of them know it's only a few years left and their going by fast. So what your going through is normal and so are many others the lucky ones are the ones who don't worry about it. When GOD calls you you'll be going to a better place in the meantime get busy living forget about dying.
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