It is human nature to want to find ways to support someone with cancer. Most of us have a desire to be empathetic. However, when the cancer is terminal, many things what we want to say can feel like empty platitudes. There is no “right answer” for what to say to a friend or loved one with terminal cancer. However, there are some things to keep in mind during these conversations.
What Not to Say
It can be difficult to know what to say to a friend with terminal cancer. However, it can be arguably more important to understand what not to say. Here’s a quick guide for you to consider:
1. "Everything will be OK."
Don’t say “it will be okay”, or “you will get better”. This can be hurtful for someone whose prognosis is short. While optimism can be helpful, in this case, it could remind the patient of their limited time and make them perform optimism for you at their own expense.
2. "We'll kick this together."
You can offer to comfort them or assist their caregivers, but you can’t help with cancer itself. Being realistic about what you offer in terms of time and energy will help you avoid later disappointing them.
3. "How long do you have?"
Unless the patient wants to speak about it, you shouldn’t press them with questions about their condition, or what they know about the length of their life. It is better to ask how they feel in this moment, or what they need on a particular day. If your friend or loved one wants to tell you what they know about their diagnosis or timeline they'll let you know. It's better to let them volunteer this personal information so that you can be sure they're ready to discuss it.
4. "God only gives you what you can handle."
In the case that you know that you and the patient have closely aligned religious opinions, perhaps this is a topic that would be OK to bring up. Otherwise, you don't want to spring any sort of religious beliefs on them. Be respectful about what they may or may not believe, and don't make any assumptions about how much the person you're speaking to can or can't handle. It might be seen as dismissive of their feelings.
5. "We've all got to die sometime."
We all know that life is uncertain. However, as a terminal patient it's not comforting to hear broad statements like this as it takes away from the depth of emotions that the person living with cancer is experiencing. Stick to conversations about the present and avoid any speculations about what could happen in the future.
What You Should Say Instead
There is a lot of room to be unintentionally hurtful when speaking to someone who is in a difficult position. However, one of the best ways of supporting someone with cancer is to just be present, giving them someone to talk to.
Firstly, it’s important to let the cancer patient talk and lead the conversation if they want to. They will likely feel that they have many important things to say at this moment and you should be ready to listen and give a response. This is even the case if they touch on topics that you might feel uncomfortable with, such as end-of-life planning. You should do your best to commit to these conversations - you cannot help with cancer, but there may be other things you can help with.
Of course, it shouldn’t always be about the illness. One of the kindest things you can do is provide a distraction in a time that is often painful and frightening. If there is a hobby that you share, or current events that you both are interested in, feel free to share. Strike up the kinds of conversations that you had before your friend was sick. This will help you maintain a sense of normalcy in the friendship and help them enjoy their last moments more thoroughly.
And, of course, don’t be afraid to be honest about your appreciation for the patient and your care. There is probably a lot you want to say, and now is the time to say it.
